There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
