Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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