So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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