dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
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Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
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Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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