sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
pray to the hookup gods
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
