so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
