Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
