I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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