Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
