worst night to have a conscience
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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