Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
