My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
