I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
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