It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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