dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
