Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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