omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
