I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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