Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
