there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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