One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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