We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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