I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
