The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
