dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
