how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
