Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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