tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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