it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
