he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
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we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
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I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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