There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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