I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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