well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
