After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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