I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
