hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
