Porn is love you can see.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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