yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
