i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
