ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
