we have pet lesbian snakes
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
