please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
