I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sorry my hands just texted you
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
