Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
