she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
