I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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