Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
