You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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