I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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