I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
