her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
