If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
