I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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