Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
