There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He better not be in your backpack
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
