I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
